Our world and our lives are all made up of emotional systems. Emotional systems can be broken down into relationships. How we function in those relationships directly impacts our happiness and well-being, and this largely determines the course of our lives. The key to individual and relationship harmony in families, marriages, and all relationships is dependent on the decision to study, remain in contact with, and work on your differentiation of self with one’s family of origin. Differentiation of self is not a finite term and rather is quite broad with lots of definitions to describe its meaning, but I will concisely give you my current definition of the term. Differentiation of self, defines the ability to balance and distinguish between the feeling and intellectual systems, having the ability to think for your self, have your own beliefs, values, convictions, and choosing to act based on a careful assessment of the facts and thoughtfully acquired principles rather than taking action to temporarily relieve the anxiety of the moment, which is termed emotional reactivity, while having the ability to think calmly and clearly in high stress situations and having the freedom of choice and free will to be emotionally close to your loved ones without losing your sense of self. Being free from the pull of the emotional system’s pressure to conform to its multi-generational norms and standing firm on what you believe regardless of the reaction of others, is called “differentiation of self.” Learning to see and be aware of the family emotional system, its processes, and how everyone plays a part in its functioning is a step toward differentiating. When you can see the patterns in your own family and take steps toward changing your actions in the system, you are differentiating.
The journey to differentiating to a higher self is a courageous and commendable goal that can change one’s life path and the trajectory of the family patterns that have been causing agonizing pain and heartache for multiple generations. I work with my clients on understanding the emotional system and how it functions and give them the tools to work toward differentiation of self while being a coach for them who teaches by providing insight, opening up the communication systems in their relationships, and helping them work with their own family of origin. The key is to commit to the practice of differentiating self and keep an unwavering sense of dedication to the process. The practice is scientifically and empirically supported, and I coach my clients using the knowledge and skills that I have acquired through my own experience studying my own family, increasing my level of differentiation, and putting my own knowledge and insight into practice.
The key to reconnecting as a couple is learning to understand the unconscious multi-generational processes and patterns that are in action in your family of origin which are playing out to a more intense degree in your marriage or relationship. This will help you better grasp “what” is happening in your family and relationship system and how to go about taking a new, well-thought out course of action to differentiate and steer your multi-generational patterns in a new direction. This insight will lower the chronic anxiety present in your marriage or relationship and family which will allow for you to more easily differentiate by taking the time to take a careful, objective, evaluation of the facts before responding to emotional stimuli, distinguish between your thoughts and your feelings, take a stand for your values, beliefs, convictions, and principles while developing and maintaining the ability to remain calm and clear minded and not emotionally react when each other takes a stand on what they believe. Differentiating of self works toward a more individualistic goal-oriented lifestyle where both partners feel free to be, feel, think, and act freely from one another which allows for a close and intimate connection without losing your sense of self or identity in the other. Each partner will be investing less psychic energy in the other and directing their attention toward self and accepting responsibility for self. Changing the patterns in your family of origin will change the dynamics of your other emotional and romantic relationships. Problems in your emotional relationships can be tied directly to unresolved issues in each partner’s family of origin. Thinking for self, communicating clearly for one’s self using the word “I,” and not “you” or “we,” respecting and valuing one’s self and self’s values, beliefs, and stance on issues and appreciating, valuing, and respecting the differences you share with your partner, and being independent individuals in a shared relationship where individual autonomy is valued are all goals for a harmonious, strong, intimate and close relationship or marriage. When you differentiate you will garner the ability to respect each other’s beliefs and convictions, value and appreciate each other’s positions, and calmly and respectfully appreciate your differences while negotiating to find common ground.
Keep in mind you can, and it is highly recommended you should, be coached during this process by a Bowen coach, such as myself, and receive help understanding and gaining insight into multi-generational family and relationship patterns, the family emotional system, its processes, how it operates, discovering your true principles and what you truly believe and stand for on certain issues, working through anxiety caused by tension in your marriage or emotional relationships, which is what appears on the surface to be the issue, and your family of origin, the source of the issue. This can be done conjointly or individually but it is recommended both partners participate in couple and marriage counseling, or the heads of the household participate in family counseling, as they hold the most power and influence on the family and progress happens much more quickly with less resistance. Differentiation can, however, be achieved with one motivated member of the couple or family participating in counseling.
Having the freedom to think for yourself, take responsibility for self, have a clear understanding of your true beliefs, the ability to act autonomously and free from multi-generational family conformity pressures, and have a sense of true authentic identity, a self, in your relationships will allow for the physical intimacy, closeness, and connection you have always longed for.
Free resources on the processes of the family emotional system to help guide you in defining a self and opening up your love system with your partner:
https://www.thebowencenter.org/core-concepts-diagrams
https://thecenterforfamilyconsultation.com/cut-off-and-the-role-of-a-bowen-coach/
Written by: Ryan Rothstein, MA
